Understanding boundaries: a guide to healthier relationships and self-care
Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no, then spent the rest of the day feeling resentful? Or agreed to something before you’d even decided how you really felt about it?
If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. Many of us were never taught what boundaries are, let alone how to set them. Some of us learned the opposite – that saying no was selfish or rude. So we got very good at accommodating other people, without even thinking about ourselves.
But having firm boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people, and they aren’t meant to be walls that shut everyone out. In fact, they’re what makes real closeness possible.
As we learn to strengthen our boundaries, we get a clearer sense of ourselves and our relationship to others.
In this blog, I’ll explain what boundaries are, why they can feel so difficult to set and look at how to start building healthier ones. Plus, I’ve included some signs to help you recognise your own boundary style.
Why boundaries matter
Boundaries are closely tied to self-care and mental health. Without them, resentment, tiredness and anxiety can build up, often without us noticing until we’re exhausted.
You might recognise the signs of boundaries slipping: saying yes when you want to say no, overcommitting, feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, or noticing you’ve shared something personal before you meant to. None of this makes you a pushover. It usually means you learned, somewhere along the way, that your needs came second.
What are healthy boundaries?
In simple terms, boundaries are the limits that protect your time, energy, feelings and values. They tell other people – and yourself – what’s okay and what isn’t.
Boundaries come up in different areas of life: how much of your time and energy you give to others; what you share and with whom; how you allow people to speak to you; and how much space you protect for rest. They’re not about controlling other people, they’re about being clear on what you need in order to feel safe, respected and like yourself.
Know your boundary style: porous, rigid or healthy?
One of the most useful things I do with clients is help them notice their own boundary patterns. Most of us lean one way or another, often without realising it. Our boundaries can also shift depending on who we are with or how we’re feeling in ourselves. Here’s a broad guide to the three styles:
Porous boundaries
Porous boundaries are ones that are overly permeable – it can be hard to tell where you end and someone else begins. You might notice:
Difficulty saying no, or feeling you have to justify it when you do
Prioritising others’ needs over your own, often to the point of resentment
Taking on other people’s emotions as if they were your own
Oversharing, or struggling to keep anything private
Feeling responsible for other people’s happiness
Feeling drained, taken advantage of or unseen in relationships.
Rigid boundaries
Rigid boundaries sit at the other end of the spectrum, where limits are so firm they can keep people at a distance. Signs of this might include:
Feeling closed off, or reluctant to share what’s really going on for you
Discomfort asking for help, even when you need it
Difficulty trusting others, or expecting the worst of people’s intentions
An ‘all or nothing’ approach – people are either fully in or kept firmly out
Avoiding vulnerability, even in relationships that feel safe
A sense of isolation, even when people around you want to get closer.
Healthy boundaries
Healthy boundaries can flex depending on the relationship and situation, while still protecting what matters to you. This might look like:
Communicating your needs and limits clearly, without guilt or aggression
A balance of give and take – being able to support others and to receive support too
Respecting your own space as much as you respect other people’s
Adjusting boundaries when circumstances change, rather than holding them rigidly in every situation
Feeling able to be honest, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Do you recognise yourself in any of these? Most of us move between all three depending on the relationship or how much capacity we have at the time. This isn't about putting yourself into one fixed category – it’s simply a way of noticing your own patterns with a bit more compassion.
In my case, I had a history of falling in with what everyone else wanted, putting other people’s needs before my own, and feeling guilty whenever I rested. It wasn’t until I started working with my own therapist that I began to notice these patterns, and what they had in common: poor boundary setting. Some of my boundaries were so porous they were almost non-existent!
Together, we reflected on this, and I slowly began to understand that my resentment towards others wasn’t really about them – it was about me. In fact, that feeling was a useful signal, a sign that my own needs weren’t being met. I learned to value those needs, and to appreciate, for example, that sitting down for a coffee didn’t make me lazy – it meant I was getting the rest and space I needed.
I won’t claim to have perfect boundaries now and it’s still a work in progress, but I do have a much clearer sense of what I need, and I’m far better at expressing it.
Why setting boundaries can feel so hard
While the idea of boundaries sounds simple, in reality they can feel incredibly difficult to set and maintain.
This is for a number of reasons. For many people, it comes down to what they learned early on – perhaps you grew up in a family where saying no wasn’t welcomed, or where love felt conditional on being agreeable. Fear plays a part too: fear of conflict, of disappointing someone, or of being seen as difficult or unkind. Sometimes it’s about self-worth – if you don't fully believe your needs matter, it’s very hard to assert them.
Guilt is one of the most common barriers I see. Many of my clients describe feeling guilty the moment they try to set a limit, even when that limit is entirely reasonable. It’s worth remembering that feeling guilty doesn't mean the boundary is wrong, it often just means you’re doing something unfamiliar.
How to start setting healthier boundaries
Developing boundaries is a skill, not a personality trait, which means it can be nurtured and practised. Here are a few places to start:
Get clear on your own limits first – notice where you feel resentment, dread or exhaustion. This is often a sign a boundary is needed
Start small – practise with lower-stakes situations before tackling the harder ones
Use clear, simple language, for example: “I can’t take this on right now” or “I need some time to think about that before I let you know”
Expect discomfort – feeling uneasy isn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong, it’s often because it’s unfamiliar
Revisit and adjust your boundaries as needed – they don’t have to be set forever, and different relationships may call for different limits.
How therapy can help with boundaries
Therapy can offer a space to understand not just how to set boundaries, but why they feel so hard in the first place. As a person-centred therapist, I won’t offer you a script to repeat, but I will be interested in understanding what’s underneath the difficulty – whether it’s being stuck in old patterns, fear of conflict or a belief that your needs come second.
Together, we can build a steadier sense of self-trust: the foundation that makes boundaries feel less like a battle, and more like an act of self-care.
Your needs matter
Learning to set boundaries isn’t about becoming a different person, or suddenly saying no to everything. It’s a gradual practice of tuning in to your own needs and trusting that they’re allowed to matter too.
Healthier boundaries make space for healthier relationships – ones built on honesty, respect and genuine connection, rather than obligation or fear.
If you'd like some support with this, I offer a free initial consultation. You can get in touch via my contact page or using the link below, and we can take it from there.
Book an Introductory call
Find the answers to some common questions
Learn more about working with me
Book recommendation
If you’d like to learn more about mastering your own boundaries, I recommend ‘Boundaries: Where you end and I begin’ by Anne Katherine.
References:
Moss, J. G., Firebaugh, C. M., & Morgan, S. M. (2021). Assertiveness, Self-Esteem, and Relationship Satisfaction. International Journal of Arts and Social Science, 4(2). https://www.ijassjournal.com/2021/V4I2/4146575515.pdf
